Lost In My Own Head

Its been a full year since I've even looked at this page.... Its been a lot longer since I've put forth the effort in which I know I need! Yeah.. I still work out, but my eating is out of control! At this point, there is almost no point to my working out because I know I will ruin it with my eating! But I still work out... Its my release, its part of my social time, its fun... And yet, its still nearly pointless!

Maybe the picture in my head is wrong... Maybe the words inside my head are too harsh.. Maybe I don't have this all figured out like I once thought I did!

I sit here and watch Biggest Loser... They all have a sob story, something that happened in their past, something that they just can't get over, something they need to work on, something more than just the food and exercise... And one by one, they all seem to have these breakthroughs, they overcome what was holding them back and they become what they always thought was impossible!

So what's holding me back from my impossible? What keeps me turning to self sabotage and heading the wrong way down this road? What will it take to turn me around?

Not so Easy!

Losing weight is one of hardest things to do and maintain! Food addiction is one of the worst things you could have! If you're addicted to crack, you stop using it! If you have a smoking problem, you stop smoking.... but its not like that with food! You can't just stop eating. You need food to live!

But what happens when you're addicted to something you can never get away from... and that something is bad for you? Why can't I be addicted to raw vegetables?!? Don't get me wrong, I like vegetables, but on most days, I'd much rather have a cheeseburger or a piece of cake!

A friend of mine asked me how someone could lose a bunch of weight and look amazing, yet still end up gaining a bunch of the weight back! For a girl who has never been overweight, nor will ever have to worry about what she eats, it was hard for her to fathom how this could happen. Unfortunately, I know all too well how this can occur! For some people, food is just nutrition. For others, food is a comfort and a habit.

You always hear the term "emotional eater"... but what does that really mean? For me, its a comfort. When there's a situation I can't emotionally handle, when I feel rejected and empty, when I'm super stressed out about a decision or just life in general... I turn to food! And its never carrots, its usually terrible food, like pizza, fast food, or any kind of sweet! Food doesn't change. Food doesn't get mad at you or ignore you. Food doesn't judge you. Food is always there.

How does someone lose a ton of weight and then gain some/a lot/all of it back?!? Life gets in the way, you lose focus, you just want to be normal! I wish I was like some of my friends that never have to worry about how many calories they eat or how many hours they spend at the gym. But that's not me... that will never be me!

Its been hard to come to that realization... to say that this has to be my "new normal"! I fully regret the past 8 months! I have done nothing but sabotage my weight loss journey. I let my emotional ups and downs outweigh my goals and dreams. At times, I lost all track of the path I was on. My motivation was at an all time low. I started resenting the one thing that gave me hope and support, the gym. No matter how hard you work, nothing can overcome a poor diet.

Thank God for a new start. 2012 is my year; The year I keep control. No more of that "All or nothing" attitude. No major set backs over small slip ups! No more excuses! Its time for me to make major strides in this journey! I'm not saying it's going to be easy, I'm saying it's going to be worth it!

Beyond Frustrated...

I AM FRUSTRATED.. No... BEYOND FRUSTRATED!!!

Since when did eating completely awesome and exercising until you want to collapse turn into weight gain?!? OH RIGHT, that's what would happen with me!

I got my new BodyBugg in the mail last week and was completely excited! Burn 3650 calories a day, consume 1400 calories a day should, in theory, come out of around 4.5lbs lost per week! Key words, IN THEORY!!!

I was disappointed last week when I only lost two pounds, but not completely down, cause at least I didn't gain.. right?!? Two pounds is still two pounds closer to my goal! And let's be honest, I can't complain about losing 26 pounds in three weeks!

But not this week! This week I have consumed so many fruits, vegetables, whole grains and chicken, that I want to explode! I paid careful attention to the ratio of Carbs/Protein/Fat and made sure I was eating at the proper foods at the right times of the day! Oh, the calories I have been burning! Between Turbo Kick, Attack, Boot camp, Training and running, I have burned PLENTY of calories everyday!

And yet, I gained weight... Its so so frustrating! The worst part is stress brings on weight gain... and ironically, all I do is stress about my weight gain! AWESOME! I have yet to have my "official" weigh in... but trust me, its not going to be pretty!

I guess this is just another bump in the road: a long, winding, kinda getting old road.

"If you have reason to be frustrated,
you also have the motivation necessary
to get beyond whatever is frustrating you."
- RM

Working Hard

"The dictionary is the only place
where success comes before work!"
- Mark Twain

This week has been rough. I have been working as hard as I can to get these pounds to come off! I didn't do nearly as well on my nutrition this week as I did last week and highly expected it to show up on the scale. I still ended up losing 6 1/2 lbs this week for a total of 24lbs in 2 weeks! I am MORE than excited about that! 5 more pounds til I'm back to my BL final weight and I can put my "Summer of crap" behind me!! Onto better things.. and smaller numbers on the scale! YAY!

The workouts this week were KILLER!! Attack and Turbo just never really get easier... I sweat out buckets in both of them and leave completely spent! Thursday's Boot Camp with Amanda was AMAZINGLY ridiculous! Over a mile in suicides that included jumping jacks, burpees, squats, tuck jumps, pushups and crunches all mixed into the suicides! YIKES!! Then on Friday, I had a boxing session with Travis, where we actually fought each other! He had gloves on and the only rule was to not hit faces... I tried my best to his his face, but failed terribly! My arms were EXHAUSTED beyond belief.. They still hurt a day today!! But it was an AWESOME 30 min workout!


Exhausted from Boot Camp suicides... but still happy?!?

On tap for this week... 2 Boot Camps, 2 trainings with Travis, 2 Turbo Kicks, 2 Body Attacks and 5 morning workouts of random cardio! Sounds like a week of fun to me!

Travis' Weight Loss goal for me this week : 5 pounds
Susie's Weight Loss goal for myself : 8-10 pounds

LET'S GET THIS!!!!

Must be doing something right!!

Today was weigh-in day... YIKES! The thought of an official weigh-in always scares me a little! (Even when I know I'm gonna kill it!) Weigh-in is usually at training (4pm) but we had to reschedule today's, so I went in this morning and weighed in!

Soo...


I LOST 17 1/2 LBS THIS WEEK!!
YAY!

I'm pretty excited about it!! I know this won't happen every week, but it feels like I'm finally back on track! 11 1/2lbs more til I'm back to my final BL weigh-in! And then its onwards and... downwards from there!!!

My diet is almost completely on!! I won't say its 100% because I haven't been planning and keeping a fully balanced diet like I want to do! But that's what is still on the schedule! Get back to planning meals instead of just staring at the fridge and throwing something together at the last minute! Obviously it worked out just fine this week, but I know it will catch up to me eventually!

Travis set my weigh-in goal this week at 8lbs!! So.. Here's to having another amazing weight loss week!

Its all about ME!

"Remind yourself again and again of why you must...
Hold your head high and keep your eyes on the goal"
Ralph Marston

Sorry it has been so long since I've blogged. I haven't been doing well.

Friday we had our first official weigh-in with Travis. I hate to admit the numbers.. but I'm up 29lbs since Biggest Loser ended. I am so disappointed in myself.

A good friend told me a while back that I was beautiful and that I don't have to change or lose anymore weight if I'm happy. It's hard for me to believe the word beautiful... and thinking back on that statement made me realize how truly unhappy I am with myself.

URGH... It's been a rough summer. My nutrition has been a complete downfall and besides my training and boot camp, my workouts have pretty much been a major area of disappointment.

What happened to my "intrinsic motivation"?!? I was in such good shape after Biggest Loser and a lot of that is gone. I struggle thru some workouts, But all of that is going to change.

OPERATION SUSIE is in full swing!!

I am a people pleaser! I'll do anything in my power to help a friend or make them smile (Even when I can't make myself smile)! Its just who I am. I constantly put other people first.

But I have to start putting myself and my goals first. I've made it most of the summer without moving any closer to (And for that matter further away from) my goals and that's just not acceptable.

I'm giving up drinking again! I did it for the 10 weeks of Biggest Loser and was just fine. Its a very social thing for me and I'm a very social person, but drinking does nothing good for my goals. Along with no drinking, is the very few and far between eating out. No restaurant offers the selections I need to lose the weight that I need to. It's also a social thing for me, that I won't completely be giving up, but will be cutting back extremely!

In other words, my whirlwind of a super fun summer is done! Its back to fairly lame Susie that works, goes to the gym, and goes home. If that's what I have to do to get to where I need/want to be.. then that is EXACTLY what I'll be doing!

Weekly weigh-ins with Travis will for sure keep me accountable for all of my actions! This week's weight loss goal is 6lbs! And that is completely do-able!

I'm rather excited to get back at it! Its not a fun time when all you do is sabotage yourself! Operation SUSIE is about ME.. and only ME!!

Steamboat Classic

After 2 years of saying I'll run the Steamboat Classic, I finally did it!!




It was a fairly nice day... a little humid, but not too hot, and there was a lovely breeze coming thru every once in a while (Or maybe that was just cause I was running so fast HAHAHA). I ran most of the 4 miles alone, just the way I like it.. Just me and my music! Although, at some point, I think I could have used the little birdie in my ear saying RUN NOW!! I shouldn't doubt myself, but I feel like I could have pushed just a little bit harder in some places!


Waiting to start the race!

I wanted to finish in under an hour (Travis thought I could finish in 57 mins).. but ended up finishing in 1:01:13... For a 15:18 pace per mile! Started out the race at at 16:16 pace for the first 2 miles.. ended with a 14:20 pace for the last 2 miles. (Which is a lot closer to what I should be) I'm a little frustrated that I didn't finish faster, but overall, I'm happy with everything!


Post Race with Cody and Stacy!

Soo... With Steamboat behind me, I've gotta refocus on getting back to losing weight, and continue working on my running! As much as I hate the thought of running, I feel so great afterwards!! So I need to keep going... Just keep putting one foot in front of the other!!